Hard Times

I did something this weekend I never thought I'd have to or want to do... I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 8 months... He probably thinks I'm a jerk... He probably thinks I was just insecure about our relationship... But I did mean to break up, even if I didn't mean to hurt him...

We were long-distance, with him being in Tasmania and me in America, and he kept hurting me, whether he realized it or not... All the time, I would hear from him that he looked at other girls and developed crushes on them, and always told me that he was sorry, that he felt guilty for crushing on other women and for his heart not being truly devoted to me... It always hurt to hear that from him... My heart felt as though knife after knife was going through the same, unhealed cut he inflicted on me the first time he told me... He knew it hurt me to hear it, yet still he told me! And it hurts so much to think about! I've been trying to distract myself so that I wouldn't think about it, because I'll start to cry if I do...

I don't want to say I broke up with him because it was the right thing for me... That's a selfish thought... I wanted to break up because I felt that we were hurting each other... If he feels so guilty about not being truly devoted to me, then I hope he'll be comforted by the thought that he'll no longer be tied to me, and that he'll find someone that deserves him more than me... I keep thinking about the Doctor Who episode "Asylum of the Daleks," where we find that Amy and Rory are going to divorce, and then we find that Amy felt that she had to give Rory up for his sake... I keep comparing myself to Amy in this episode, but the only difference is that my now-ex and I will never get back together... I doubt he even realizes that we aren't together anymore...

The gods only know how much I miss him... But I can never go back to him, no matter how much I want to. And I want to so very badly... All I want now is for us to be really good friends and role play buddies, but I know that's a lot to ask... I wouldn't blame him if he never wants to speak to me again...

To those of you reading this and thinking that I'm a horrible person, that I'm being too dramatic, that I'm a selfish bitch interested in only myself, or that I'm making all of this up for attention... Perhaps the first two are correct... But know that I'm not making this up. Nor am I thinking of only myself. Any physical pain I receive is justice for what I have done to my ex-boyfriend Keith.

Keith, if you're reading this, then I hope you understand how much I love you, and that will never change. Think ill of me if you wish; I deserve it. But I want you to know that everything we went through was absolutely wonderful, and I regret nothing of our relationship; I only regret it had to end this way. I know this is a hard thing to ask and answer on both of your parts, but I hope that we can be friends. I'll understand if you never want to see or hear from or of me again. Goodbye, my love...